LAST LOVE.

Dear LOVE,

I write to you not in pain but in content. Content that you taught me how to love myself the hard way;Content that you have taught me numerous lessons about how to love and who to love…..How I should be treated like a lady; what I can and cant settle for. You have taught me the difference between crumbs and a piece of cake. You have taught me how humans can use love for their benefit and their selfish needs. you have taught me how people are only loyal to their need of you. You have shown me how my emotions are my weakness and how they can be used like a yoyo -just to pass idle time for an empty person. How I only fit into people’s schedule at their own convenient time, how humans can bend me and break me down just to enjoy the view of how broken I can be. How I fall for stupid and empty people full of egos and pride; how I fall for the promises people make just to please my ears; how I can fall for skin deep beauty. Love has shown me UGLY souls. Love has shown me how people can hate themselves and project their self hate to me,how peoples opinions can cloud my judgement ,how love can mentally torment your thinking; how I  can be emotionally drained in the name of “love”. love has shown me that it is a tool and in the wrong hands it can be used to tear me down physically, emotionally,spiritually, psychologically,mentally……love has taught me self worth,self esteem,confidence in who I am and confidence God’s purpose for my life. Love has proven to me over and over again that it is a two way street. It has to be reciprocated for it to be true love. Love, You did screw me up big time but it was all in preparation for this love I own right now…the love of my life.

I thought love was something I could never achieve simply because I didn’t love myself the way I should have. I didn’t know that love should come from within yourself not from others. I was always seeking approval from others because I thought their opinion mattered than my own. Always looking out to please them first. little did I know that that’s how you hand out power to people;power to control your emotions,power to control your happiness;power to control your happy endings,power to control how you think,how you react…. my mind and thoughts have to be controlled by me first, that’s where peace begins …in my mind

I gave that power to the wrong people and boy did they manipulate that power; until the day I hit rock bottom several times;the day I realized that no one will ever love me  the way I could love myself;that was the day I understood what love is. That day I found self love, I realized I have a Maker that loves me no matter what; I found that his love was eternal,never ending full of peace,joy,love. It is a love that didn’t require nagging; a love that was always there for me;a love I didn’t have to work hard or compete to get; a love that stood the test of time ; a love that I was so blind to see ………a love that has made me complete.

Since I found this love it has shown me the beauty of life; the beauty in actions not just words ;the beauty in everyone I meet;the beauty in nature;the beauty in good and bad times,the beauty in seasons ;the beauty that lies within me and above all the beauty in love. Lord your love surpasses my human nature to sin,your love comes to my rescue every time I call upon you. Am your daughter and your love has taught me to love me first before I love my neighbor. You can never pour from an empty jar;you have to take care of yourself first.Feed your mind ;your soul,your spirit; your heart with big dreams,hope,faith,Gods word. Hold on to God’s promises until you see them come to pass in your life. He is a very faithful God and He will never shame you. He sets a table  before you because of your enemies,just for them to watch as He prepares a feast before their eyes. His will take revenge upon all those who have wronged you. He says ”revenge is mine” and He always gets it.

Dear love you did save the best for last and for that I thank you. A child Is always a  blessing, a gift God has trusted me with, a gift to taken care of on a daily basis. A gift that pays back in love and laughter. A soul so precious that has to be fed with love and joy. A gift that reminds me of the hope I have in God;the endless blessings that God can bless me with. The amazing places my God will take me to. A gift that never allows me to give up in life or forget how Big of  a God you are…an endless love that is to be treasured. A gift of motherhood given to me through my child. God bless and guide him each day and may he grow up to be a God fearing child.

 

Never too late for self love.

Getting love is an expensive and never ending task. A task that one can be very desperate about, She used to hate herself over petty staff, always thought everyone hated her and she joined them instead of loving herself and respecting herself…..Her first boyfriend wasn’t the best, he held her self esteem since she didn’t even know that she was supposed to own it like her most prized possession.He made her feel like she was only good enough just for him  no one else. He didn’t treat her like she was supposed to. He was a drunk;a proud drunk She might add.When he got drunk that’s when he would call after ignoring her for weeks. He would call her outside her hostel at two AM just to say ‘hi’. Because her self esteem was attached to his stupidity she obliged. She stayed out in the cold listening to a drunk talking about the same story over and over again while her beautiful brown legs were being attacked and feasted on by mosquitoes and heart scared by other creatures roaming around at that time. He didn’t have the decency to take her out on a date; He didn’t have the common sense to take her to a nice restaurant to eat a nice meal. All she got were 2 am drunk calls and standing outside her hostel at 2am for 2hours talking about nothing and being a booty call for his drunk ass.

 

The gifts she got from him were more of emotional pains than physical gifts. the best he could do was whisper a lot of nonsense and make a lot of promises he knew very well he would never keep. Loosing her virginity to him blinded her too much. Her faithfulness to his stupid ass was commendable something she thought was normal in relationships. He cheated every chance he got because he knew she would stay faithful only to him. He knew her her and had captured it. he knew how to manipulate and still look like the good guy. He made her feel like he was the ultimate prize; someone she would regret loosing.He was telling her that she will never be prettier that the EX. Telling her that he deserves better,that her she is only good enough just for him.Telling her that only losers deserve her time. That he is the best she can do.That’s the devil and he needs to be rebuked he has no place in her life. Don’t make the same mistake She did ….Don’t listen to that voice; that voice should be ignored from a mile away;that voice will never build any one’s self esteem instead it will break you down piece by piece.It will destroy you as a human, it will take everything you have worked so hard to build in just seconds.
Dear young girl struggling to fit in, struggling to be noticed, depending on a man to call you beautiful, not realizing you are already beautiful; that you don’t need a man to tell you how beautiful you are. Don’t listen to that inner voice telling you that you ain’t beautiful. That’s the self esteem killer;and if you entertain that voice it will settle in your head and live there like it owns your ass….

No one will hand you a cup of self esteem dear that you have to work hard to get it yourself. call yourself beautiful, take yourself out for coffee out for a drink,call your friends and hang out till morning…..laugh,live,love. this life is too precious to live in tea cup mentality. there is so much out there waiting to be discovered and enjoyed by you dear one. share love and joy everyone you go. Be the best person you can be to yourself and to others. Hold those that love you back close to your heart its a rare gift……

 

 

 

 

To The New Singles.

To the new singles welcome to the land of rejects, the land of insatiable beings who are full of pride….

You will be lonely at first but you will grow to be comfortable and enjoy it. No rules, no maswali ya polisi, no curfews, no one to please or pretend to be someone else for  …..that’s the good part. The worst part is that you will be alone at parties, restaurants, streets and most importantly in BED. No warmth except from the blankets and duvets. You will discover yourself and become your own best friend have your own back. No one will love you more than you love yourself.

You might hate love now and swear off of it but with time you will grow to love LOVE. Even when it has fucked you over and over again you will believe in its existence and never tire from searching. You are the king, the queen, the prince, the princess to your own castle. Your heart will be lighter and bigger because you have so much to give to your family and friends. You will learn to appreciate the simple little things that make up the beauty of life. You wont judge because you have learnt perfection doesn’t exist.

Songs will remind you of what you had, what you lost or the wrong that was done to you but the funny thing is that you will be happy for those who still got healthy relationships.

You will get high n drunk and do stupid stuff to avoid missing them but you will have to deal with the heartbreak eventually and when you do trust me you will feel a whole lot better. You will let go of the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, the betrayal and in some weird twisted way forgive them. You will appreciate the invaluable life lessons they taught you and the bitter sweet memories you still have of them.

They might have been beguiling but you are strong and you will pull through. You will be oblivious to them but you matter to yourself and that is more than enough.

To The New Singles

 To the new singles welcome to the land of rejects, the land of insatiable beings who are full of pride to admit they were ever wrong, beings comfortable playing the victim….

You will be lonely at first but you will grow to be comfortable and enjoy it. No rules, no maswali ya polisi, no curfews, no one to please or pretend to be someone else for  …..that’s the good part. The worst part is that you will be alone at parties, restaurants, streets and most importantly in BED. No warmth except from the blankets and duvets. You will discover yourself and become your own best friend have your own back. No one will love you more than you love yourself.

You might hate love now and swear off of it but with time you will grow to love LOVE. Even when it has fucked you over and over again you will believe in its existence and never tire from searching. You are the king, the queen, the prince, the princess to your own castle. Your heart will be lighter and bigger because you have so much to give to your family and friends. You will learn to appreciate the simple little things that make up the beauty of life. You wont judge because you have learnt perfection doesn’t exist.

Songs will remind you of what you had, what you lost or the wrong that was done to you but the funny thing is that you will be happy for those who still got healthy relationships.

You will get high n drunk and do stupid stuff to avoid missing them but you will have to deal with the heartbreak eventually and when you do trust me you will feel a whole lot better. You will let go of the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, the betrayal and in some weird twisted way forgive them. You will appreciate the invaluable life lessons they taught you and the bitter sweet memories you still have of them.

They might have been beguiling but you are strong and you will pull through. You will be oblivious to them but you matter to yourself and that is more than enough.

Every ending is creating the space and opening for an amazing new beginning

She Was Too Good For You.

When she said she loved you she really did mean it.She knew what being with you meant. She loved you even with all your flaws; like how you used to yawn like crazy; how emotionally unavailable you were; how you hanged out with your boys and party all night. She gave up her life just to make you happy. In return she got cheated on; mistreated; ignored and dependent on your rare compliments to make her feel like a woman. She thought she wasn’t good enough for you, that you deserved other beautiful girls.She justified your cheating to her friends saying that it was a mistake that it will never happen again until it did…. some of her friends grew tied, i remember Diana told her that you are a leech and you would suck her dry. Of course her unconditional love blocked all her senses from seeing the truth that was staring right at her face. She was a hard worker to the extend of providing every thing for you, from the designer colognes and shirts you loved to the lavish life styles you “tried” to live.She became a dull lady that ignored all her friends just to make your fragile ego feel good, your jealousy made her push all her friends away because she knew the trouble it would stir up. She put on a pedestal,for you to feel high and mighty. She was always the lonely girl in a room full of people and you were the socialite; the star of the moment and your boys to back you up. The world, Perhaps as a punishment taught her to love herself that her love is meant for her first then the rest follow.She transformed into a lady right infront of your eyes and you didnt notice. She learned that a Person maybe true to others,but not to her because the same sun which melts the ice,hardens the clay